Dejected again

My shoulder and neck really ache. But the most hurting part in the computer lab today is not that. It is the same feeling I had in my SAT CR exams. Never in my whole life through the Malaysian Education system had I felt so darn dumb in an English Test. SAT slams it in my face the hard cold fact that my English proficiency is hopeless. SAT doesn't castigate me directly but reprimand me indirectly through the results that I am getting. It's almost traumatizing to be experiencing it all over again today.

My weakness is still the same;obviously I did not improve. I can't seem to grasp the vocabularies. I hate memorizing but the truth is that memorizing seems like the only way. I told myself that I had to succumb to reality but I just can't force myself to go against the policies I hold on to. I am not an iconoclast but I hate to conform to what I believe is wrong. Intransigence gets me no where, this I am aware of. So do I just give up and study the conventional way?

Today 's practice test portends a far worse ramification if I do not crawl back up from that valley of laziness and procrastination. Dilatory is not going to get me anywhere either. It is true when they say that no one can possibly teach you English. It is a language and language needs to be acquired not studied. But i know in some ways, all these English preparatory programs that I am going through right now is not going to help me had I not change the way I think-I used to think and seriously believed that all I need to do to get through SAT is by merely going to class and do my homework, a palpable farce. Teachers are helpful, as a guide, not an answer to all your English issues. The worst mistake I did was depending solely on teachers-which now I tearfully regret. You need hard work. You need to work assiduously, ten folds more diligently.

I think Mr. Yu Jin wanted a more technical aspect and review of what I have done today but I decided to go on with this less technical and more personal post because I feel that the only thing left for critisizing is myself. CL needs to perservere and perspire through this times. CL needs more than a couple of exercises and lectures. CL needs more than the CL he used to be.

Today's test has shown me yet again my lack of acumen in this particular subject I once thought I was good at, obviously not. Today's test has reminded me of that young man feeling belittled and inferiored by a language he grew up with. Come this November, it is going to change. And that "change that we believe in"(quoted from Obama) will start now. "The man in the mirror"(by the late M.J) will not be the same good-looking, hot guy, but will be a freaking scary little English nerd freak! Maybe not to that extent but you get my point.

p/s: I was horrendous in the sentence completion and as I've stated in this whole post, the reason is because I am unaware and not familiar with the words. I've identified that the best way to overcome it is through more practice. Sounds easy, hope it is too...